Feeling Low

I have been stuck in a vicious circle for a few days..  and not sure how to snap out of it.. despite having CBT counseling 2.5 years ago.. as you know i am single and have been 25 months now and yes it was the best thing to happen after 26 years..  but the person i had to leave is a controlling person whether he knows it or not..  now things were going ok when we first parted with regard to child payments..  but he hardly saw his children the first year as he ran off to work and he freely admits that to his GF..  but now his messing with the payments as one of the kids doesn’t want much to do with him right now after some stressful situations on the fathers part.. so now the payments have been stopped and only pays when he feels he needs to so could be a week late 2 weeks late and by time cheque clears its even later.. Sadly his started holding money to ransom so i don’t get it until i do something he wants like get said son speaking with him or wanting info on said son, but said son is now an adult so he said no,, and i am not going to go running to his father just to get my cheque.. 

But now i feel low with my self for trusting that he would pay all the time on time like he promised,  why did i ever believe him after all he lied to me thats why we are single, the trust has gone.. and i have started to get my anxiety back, my panic attacks as well as mood swings,  why oh why when he has moved on with a New GF living with him, a new dog, his own company, will he not allow me to be happy and get on with my life.. i feel totally stuck again, its as if i am back there living with him,, why does he want to control my life.. Image

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Feeling Down Today

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I have been left my Kids dad now for a little over a year, (was a year in jan 2013).. I feel i have managed well although it has had to be a year on benefits but i do also work part time, but this is not enough to support me and my 2 boys.. 

I had to seek benefits to help me find and live in a rented house, I get carers allowance as my son has a disability plus the benefits for kids and income support, all these Benefits i am entitled due to not earning enough my self now owning my own house as the place i lived in was my kids dads..  so i came away without anything.. 

he does support his kids so not knocking that but i hate the whole benefits system..  the more i try to work the more i get taken away from me, which is right in a away but it feels that actually take away more than you are earning.. 

If people could earn more in wages than  people got on benefits or the bills were not so high, food prices lowered it would all help people look for work,,  

I love my part time job,  but if i went for more hours, both carers and IS would stop,, i would be charged for after school care for youngest although these days you can get a benefit for working to help pay but its never much,,  

I would love to work and earn my own money to pay my own rent, have holidays, but feel as a single mum of 2 this is now way out of my league esp as i have a son with a disability,, and once he leaves college he rightly becomes a adult (so off certain kids benefits) and if whether he can get a job or not or weather a wage or a non working benefit it will be classed as income into said house and mine will be reduced further,  as His is supposed is to be paid towards rent on the house that i rent,  seems so wrong for a child on a disability, But had we still been with their dad there would never be any of this at all as he owned his house, we both worked..

Although i am a happier person since a unhealthy relationship broke up I hate the fact i have to claim benefits,  but can’t see a way out of it either, or am i thinking too much into it.. the System is there to help people when needed but also those who really need it seem to get Penalised as well.. 

I don’t want a relationship again as it scares me, that i could end up with nothing again..I will be ok tomorrow but for now i need to think as to what do with my life to earn enough to get me totally off benefits that does not affect my 6 year old son.. or my 18 year old son with a learning disability