Why Do I Blog

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I was reading my friend Shauns blog http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/why-do-we-blog and a very interesting piece on Why do we blog? go take a look..

But i decided to write a piece on why i blog.. 

Now I started blogging back in March 2009 over on blogger cause I saw a few friends of mine at started a blog and they said that it would be good fun,  Things in my life were not brilliant to say the least, cracks began to show in my relationship with my childrens father.. so when i started to blog it was more of an escape than an account of my life.. it would be one blog here and another one a few weeks later, i did have a 2.5 year old baby at the time .. but everything n my relationship was going wrong, and i found myself trying to change countless time for a man who really did not appreciate anything any more, and more and more i was pushed away, not into the arms of another man, but i was told to go to the gym, loose weight and he may find me better,, but in reality we had drifted apart.. so i  would blog to escape. the sadness in my world.. I tried to tell him things were not working but he never would listen,  that was to come last year when he wanted out this time, and i agreed.. Anyway,, I blogged probably pretty much everyday 

I also have a son who i mentioned before had needed heart surgery as a baby and as he grew things were starting to show he needed help educationally. which was something else i had to fight for the Support for my sons education,  then, finding out i was infertile was a biggie for me when my eldest was 5, ,no more children without IVF you have PCOS and that did feel like my world was over,  ok took a big blow, but something happened some 6 years later and i was expecting my youngest.. pretty sad really that me and the kids dad are not together,  anyway I blogged and blogged and it helped release the frustrations i had within me.. my body was cracking although never really had full blown depression but got low, then the panic attacks kicked it..

In a way,  me blogging in the past has kinda helped me to offload ,, not that many people read my blog as it was a time for trolls too, bullies that would upset you for their own happiness.. So i blogged for me, and not for readers, it did get personal it got nasty at times my blog,  but i felt better when i had done it, 

 

But today is a different blog,  I have moved on to wordpress for a new me i suppose to the old moaning me,, but a new way forward me,  I mean I have been me all along just at different phases or stages in my life.. I blog as i enjoy it,  its not always about escaping from the real world as my world is a better place now, although some stuff is hard to get through but i do,, I blog for the pleasure of blogging. partly escape. and partly cause i am totally crazy and need to write stuff of utter rubbish, but who cares,  someone will read it.. even if they don’t like it..  But if you do  thanks for stopping by

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Feeling Down Today

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I have been left my Kids dad now for a little over a year, (was a year in jan 2013).. I feel i have managed well although it has had to be a year on benefits but i do also work part time, but this is not enough to support me and my 2 boys.. 

I had to seek benefits to help me find and live in a rented house, I get carers allowance as my son has a disability plus the benefits for kids and income support, all these Benefits i am entitled due to not earning enough my self now owning my own house as the place i lived in was my kids dads..  so i came away without anything.. 

he does support his kids so not knocking that but i hate the whole benefits system..  the more i try to work the more i get taken away from me, which is right in a away but it feels that actually take away more than you are earning.. 

If people could earn more in wages than  people got on benefits or the bills were not so high, food prices lowered it would all help people look for work,,  

I love my part time job,  but if i went for more hours, both carers and IS would stop,, i would be charged for after school care for youngest although these days you can get a benefit for working to help pay but its never much,,  

I would love to work and earn my own money to pay my own rent, have holidays, but feel as a single mum of 2 this is now way out of my league esp as i have a son with a disability,, and once he leaves college he rightly becomes a adult (so off certain kids benefits) and if whether he can get a job or not or weather a wage or a non working benefit it will be classed as income into said house and mine will be reduced further,  as His is supposed is to be paid towards rent on the house that i rent,  seems so wrong for a child on a disability, But had we still been with their dad there would never be any of this at all as he owned his house, we both worked..

Although i am a happier person since a unhealthy relationship broke up I hate the fact i have to claim benefits,  but can’t see a way out of it either, or am i thinking too much into it.. the System is there to help people when needed but also those who really need it seem to get Penalised as well.. 

I don’t want a relationship again as it scares me, that i could end up with nothing again..I will be ok tomorrow but for now i need to think as to what do with my life to earn enough to get me totally off benefits that does not affect my 6 year old son.. or my 18 year old son with a learning disability