Feeling Down Today

Image

I have been left my Kids dad now for a little over a year, (was a year in jan 2013).. I feel i have managed well although it has had to be a year on benefits but i do also work part time, but this is not enough to support me and my 2 boys.. 

I had to seek benefits to help me find and live in a rented house, I get carers allowance as my son has a disability plus the benefits for kids and income support, all these Benefits i am entitled due to not earning enough my self now owning my own house as the place i lived in was my kids dads..  so i came away without anything.. 

he does support his kids so not knocking that but i hate the whole benefits system..  the more i try to work the more i get taken away from me, which is right in a away but it feels that actually take away more than you are earning.. 

If people could earn more in wages than  people got on benefits or the bills were not so high, food prices lowered it would all help people look for work,,  

I love my part time job,  but if i went for more hours, both carers and IS would stop,, i would be charged for after school care for youngest although these days you can get a benefit for working to help pay but its never much,,  

I would love to work and earn my own money to pay my own rent, have holidays, but feel as a single mum of 2 this is now way out of my league esp as i have a son with a disability,, and once he leaves college he rightly becomes a adult (so off certain kids benefits) and if whether he can get a job or not or weather a wage or a non working benefit it will be classed as income into said house and mine will be reduced further,  as His is supposed is to be paid towards rent on the house that i rent,  seems so wrong for a child on a disability, But had we still been with their dad there would never be any of this at all as he owned his house, we both worked..

Although i am a happier person since a unhealthy relationship broke up I hate the fact i have to claim benefits,  but can’t see a way out of it either, or am i thinking too much into it.. the System is there to help people when needed but also those who really need it seem to get Penalised as well.. 

I don’t want a relationship again as it scares me, that i could end up with nothing again..I will be ok tomorrow but for now i need to think as to what do with my life to earn enough to get me totally off benefits that does not affect my 6 year old son.. or my 18 year old son with a learning disability

Sunday a day to relax..

Hello to anybody out there who is reading my blog, yeah ok may be a few of you and i thank you for stopping by..

Today stated of early for some reason, like 7-30, just had to get up but i was so tired as i didn’t get to sleep till about 2am,  not sure why either..

I did watch a bit of kids TV with the youngest but then i decided not to do breakfast but chill out and cook a Brunch,, which was very nice, even though i did have to cook it myself.. 

The Youngest son, his 6 has had 2 lads over to play this afternoon, not so sure this is relaxing for me but it keeps all boys happy for a few hours..

Whilst they were here, i did some baking,  just some plain fairy cakes with Chocolate chunks in them, , so they are ready to be iced, well assuming by 2 kids don’t eat then all before I can ice them…ha ha ha

And i tried making some scones for the first time,  but i got the type of flour wrong, i used plain instead of using Self-Raising so they have not risen at all.. so look like they did when they went it lol but they are cooked and taste ok,,  

Next on the agenda is to make sure school uniform is dry for youngest tomorrow,, and may be i can get a chance to sit with a coffee before cooking Tea and ironing,,

Ironic really that the title of this is Sunday a day to relax.. by that i mean there is no routine like school and work i suppose,  but us single parents never stop really and especially those of use who are carers,  someone always needs us for something.. But i would not have it any other way..  

Image

 

Reflection

Reflection,, or probably reflecting.. its something i do from time to time, maybe its a good thing to reflect on things past, somethings are good some not so good.. but since i found myself a single mum at the beginning of last year its something i have done a far bit, not weekly or monthly but at times when i am on my own, which to be fair is not that often.. but i think it is helping me quite alot…  

Yes sometimes i get upset at the fact my relationship did not last, but we gave it our best shot, over 20 years, we never married but may in hindsight that is a good thing as No Divorce to go through.. the things i think are more of trying to work out where it went wrong, but there are lots of little tiny things over the years but nothing a great deal but we mainly grew apart, there is nothing i could have done to prevent that, i was always trying to change to make sure everything was good, but deep down the more i reflect i think the less we had in common.. in the early days there were lots, but as we grew older we stopped doing the things we had in common and we ended up doing our own things in the end,, me with the children mostly, working, various clubs with the oldest,.. and he worked,, but it doesn’t really matter to be honest.. because it was a relationship that was going to fail from the beginning as the other party never really wanted the relationship side of things, but more of a mother/sister figure which was fine until the children came along then i think it all fell apart, especially when you have one with a disability, stresses change and the whole relationship changed… if we hadn’t had parted now it may have happened when kids grew older only cause it is probably the kids we had in common which is really sad… 

I feel much happier in the fact that i can now move on with a new life or well a different life, my life for me and my kids, doing the things that make me happy and by boys and not me making everyone happy except the person that counts,.,.Me.. 

Me is Happy, Me Is Moving on in concentrating on me right now,, getting fitter for my health and loosing some weight for my own medical reasons, and so far things are going well.. there are times when i think why me, why us, but i am not alone in the world of singledom.. and i won’t be the last either,, but i will carry one with the reflecting but not in a bad nasty fed up way but in a good way…thinking ahead to the good times too that may be laying round the next corner..I of course have no idea as to what that may be but i know it will be good.. Image

Hidden Disabilities

I was reading a fellow bloggers http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/02/03/defining-a-moment-of-individual-kindness earlier today,, and felt i should write my own,,

I have been a mum for the past 17 nearly 18 years but and a carer ever since really but only officially for the past 5 years..

My Son was born supposedly a healthy baby boy, but this turned some weeks later into a life threatening congenital heart condition, now my son ended up having open heart sugery some weeks later to save his life, without he would not be here pure and simple.. so my son became a member of the zipper club as a tiny baby and yes done well heart wise for some years, he has his problems hence the fact he has DLA and me Carers now i am not in full time work,  infact in you work full time you’re still a carer but don’t paid… Anyway for many many years as a mum to a child who has gone through 8 hours of surgery, and has a visual scar that is hidden to the world unless at a swimming pool ect.  NO on see’s it… well roll back a few years and something happened to a family member,, another birth defect but a visual one on the outside but not life threatening although if left then some nasty things could have happened but to this day no surgery has had to take place.. I said something very evil i suppose and said however upsetting its nothing compared to what my son went through.  Oh did i get slated, you have no idea of what its like, you have no visual to show,, at this point i did wonder what the 5 inch scar was that i saw every day, i am sure it was to remind me of something,,  well the said child was given treatment for defect and all is ok now,

On the other hand,. my son still has his scar and needs but to others cause on the outside he looks healthy and normal i do get lots of comments like how come you get DLA he looks fine, or you say stuff like he had heart surgery as a baby,,, you get but his ok now right, he looks ok,,

Just in case you hadn’t realised the heart is on the inside of the body , learning needs are on the inside on the body, memory delay is on the inside of the body.. NO ONE but yourself as a parent and a patient plus medical professions know that its there because its Hidden you can’t see it there is no visual…

I am naturally a kind caring person, and worked in a shop when younger and i came across loads of people with disabilities mostly visual like you do, blindness, deafness, physical disability and they were all people with feelings, but i never considered the hidden disability until i had my own child with his own hidden disability.

I see people differently now, i never judge anyone, because you just don’t know what they are going through in their own lives.

Apart from my son who has chd and learning needs, i know 2 people now with chronic pain, several people with depression the odd anxious person who has panic attacks ( i have had them ) they are all hidden, aspergers/autism ,

I ask you never you just to think for a moment before you  open your mouth as you may as well be hurting someones feeling who does not know how to deal with them due to there hidden disability,, and treat those who do have a visual disability with the utmostof respect and never be little them, if there adult talk to them like one, if there a child speak to them like a child..  Image