Self Compassion

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Earlier in the week i had a bit of a break down, nothing too bad but enough for me to phone my therapist that i had for my cognitive Behavioural Therapy.. its been 12 months since i last spoke with her so i know i am doing very well and coping with the problems that arose well for what i needed the therapy for in the first place.. Panic attacks, those don’t really happen now, and that’s cause I am single and no longer with the person who was  part of the problem in causing them..  

Last years conversation with the therapist was to tell her i was now single ect and that i had moved, nothing more than that really,,  

well Last week i had a letter from one of my benefit people and it started,  it was a letter saying one of the benefits was going down as i earn’t £3 over the allowed Bracket,  but its what they do, nothing wrong with it, but what made me upset was the fact i have to claim in the first place..  I am embarrassed and ashamed that i have had to but I have no choice.. 

I have a young son and a son who is on disability but I always have the thinking that i should do better, could to better to provide for my boys and get of benefits, but the reality is very different.. There is no way i can get of the benefits.. 

But I know i am doing my best and i should be proud of myself, but i keep knocking myself down,, 

what i will say is No More, from this moment i will try to stop being hard on myself and be kind to me as i am to many many others,, I know i am not perfect, no one is, and I do my best in everything that i do, ,

Ok i am repeating myself a little, but blogging about if often helps to to feel better as well.. My Therapist sent me some information in the post that i need to print of and work my way through,,  

I do appreciate all of you who stop by and read, it means a lot to me.  

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Feeling Down Today

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I have been left my Kids dad now for a little over a year, (was a year in jan 2013).. I feel i have managed well although it has had to be a year on benefits but i do also work part time, but this is not enough to support me and my 2 boys.. 

I had to seek benefits to help me find and live in a rented house, I get carers allowance as my son has a disability plus the benefits for kids and income support, all these Benefits i am entitled due to not earning enough my self now owning my own house as the place i lived in was my kids dads..  so i came away without anything.. 

he does support his kids so not knocking that but i hate the whole benefits system..  the more i try to work the more i get taken away from me, which is right in a away but it feels that actually take away more than you are earning.. 

If people could earn more in wages than  people got on benefits or the bills were not so high, food prices lowered it would all help people look for work,,  

I love my part time job,  but if i went for more hours, both carers and IS would stop,, i would be charged for after school care for youngest although these days you can get a benefit for working to help pay but its never much,,  

I would love to work and earn my own money to pay my own rent, have holidays, but feel as a single mum of 2 this is now way out of my league esp as i have a son with a disability,, and once he leaves college he rightly becomes a adult (so off certain kids benefits) and if whether he can get a job or not or weather a wage or a non working benefit it will be classed as income into said house and mine will be reduced further,  as His is supposed is to be paid towards rent on the house that i rent,  seems so wrong for a child on a disability, But had we still been with their dad there would never be any of this at all as he owned his house, we both worked..

Although i am a happier person since a unhealthy relationship broke up I hate the fact i have to claim benefits,  but can’t see a way out of it either, or am i thinking too much into it.. the System is there to help people when needed but also those who really need it seem to get Penalised as well.. 

I don’t want a relationship again as it scares me, that i could end up with nothing again..I will be ok tomorrow but for now i need to think as to what do with my life to earn enough to get me totally off benefits that does not affect my 6 year old son.. or my 18 year old son with a learning disability